Tears for Fears
by TaylenC
Summary: This is a story is prompted by episode 4x11 'Drive'. This is what should have happened in my opinion. Takes place after 4x13 'Paper Soldiers'. One-shot. Please R&R.


**Hi after watching 'Drive' I have been very mad and was frustrated with the episode as many of you were I'm sure. I thought maybe if I waited the feeling would just go away but it didn't. So I decided to write what should have happened and I definitely feel better now that I wrote this. Also I know I promised lots of updates this past week now that I have a laptop and the week has long passed and I only updated once. I had to deal with some personal issues so that's why I didn't update. I'm sorry and if you want to know why I couldn't update then PM me and I will tell you. This story takes place directly after 'Paper Soldiers'(which served to annoy me further). Anyways I hope you enjoy it and don't forget to REVIEW. Strictly a one** shot.

I'm sitting at home watching TV but paying no real attention to it. I stare blankly at it rethinking everything I thought I knew about the team and my partner. It had been a day since my birthday. Normally my birthday hadn't mattered and to me it still wasn't a big deal. The problem was that my partner had blown me off even after discovering it was my birthday. It was the fact she chose some degenerate over me.

A knock at the door snaps me out of my thoughts. Monty's ears perk up as he wakes. I pretend not to be home.

"Deeks I know you're in there. Open up I know your home."

I don't respond and stay sitting on the couch. Suddenly I hear the lock click and the door opens. She walks in a closes the door behind her. She walks up beside the couch but I ignore her presence.

"Look Deeks I'm sorry for forgetting your birthday and not taking you out. I wish I hadn't, I ended up stuck with Jaime's mom she was asking about grand kids before drinks a-"

"Kensi, enough!" I shout angrily making her jump having not seen me snap like that.

I grab her by the wrist and force her to sit on the couch.

I blow out a breath before I speak.

"Now you can sit and listen or you can show yourself out."

She doesn't move so I continue.

"I'm tired of the teams and your shit. I thought after all I have done that you guys might actually accept me as part of the team."

"We-"

She goes to interrupt.

"Don't interrupt me when I'm done then you can speak."

She nods.

"All my life I have been put down, walked on and excluded. When I was a kid up until I was 11 my father beat the shit out of me and my mom. He would have killed me and my mom that night if I hadn't shot him. I didn't even have a room or bed to sleep in for fuck sake!"

Kensi started to cry when she heard this but at this point I didn't care.

"Then after that I bounced around in foster care because my mom was in an unfit mental state after what my father did to her. To the foster parents I was just a source of income and most treated me just like my father did. When I was old enough to live on my own I did and thankfully my grades paid off and I got full ride scholarships for law school. Then when I was a lawyer everyone hated me because of how I looked or they were jealous. I quickly grew tired of the politics and back stabbing, not to mention I wasn't making enough of a difference in my opinion. That's when I decided to become a cop. Once again though everyone hated my guts as you know. Then Hetty shows up and offers me a job so I take it in hopes of finding something better. Finally I feel like I found a home at NCIS, even with the way Sam and Callen are I deal with it because I have you or at least I thought I did. In short my life has royally sucked. I am not looking for pity though. My point is even after all I have been through I put a smile on my face and live my life. You on the other hand sit feeling sorry for yourself, being totally selfish. Yes losing your father and your fiancé walking out on you is awful but it doesn't give you the right to think you're the only person who has been hurt in this world. It also doesn't give you the right to treat everyone like a bitch. Your also so bloody tightly wound that when you have gas only dogs hear it. I really thought we were friends and that our relationship was growing until yesterday when you blew me off. I realized that I'm the only person who is really putting effort into this relationship. Then today we all have to walk on egg shells because your cactus died, while I grin and bear the fact that Hetty was the only person who cares enough to remember my birthday. Then you continue to make fun of me for being a lawyer. You guys think you're so high and mighty with your special training, which is funny because I'm the only one with a proper education aside from Eric and Nell. Not to mention the fact that I out class all of you put together at undercover work but do you see me cramming it down your throats? I even let you take lead in undercover ops. Also you blew me off for Jaime? Because he saved your life? How about all the times I saved your life not to mention I blew my cover to buy you time. Anyways I'm done with dealing with the bullshit though, there is no reason I should have to deal with it after the hell my life has been. So 'this' our partnership, friendship, thing or whatever is done. And know that I'm not willingly leaving you like everyone else did. I'm leaving because of you, because you pushed me away and because you and the rest of the team treated me like and even told me I was useless. Goodbye Kens."

"Marty please don't. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry," she sobs.

It takes everything I have for my resolve not to break and hug her. I open the door for her to leave but she stays on the couch.

"Kensi don't make this harder than it already is," I tell her.

Finally she gets up still crying and walks out the door. I close it gently behind her.

_God that was hard._

I get drunk for the first time in a long time and pass out.

I wake early the next morning to my phones alarm. I feel like there's a jack hammer in my head. I decided last night to head into OSP early to hand in my papers.

I arrive at OSP and head in. I am greeted by an almost empty office. I go to my desk and collect a few things, fill out the last of my paperwork and sign my letter of resignation. I place the letter on Hetty's desk and leave to the LAPD precinct to do the same.

I then take a much needed vacation to Hawaii for some surfing. I take my board, a burner cell and an alias that the team doesn't know about so only Hetty knows where I am.

* * *

Kensi walks into work late eyes puffy and blood shot from crying all night.

"Where's Deeks?" Sam asks.

She stays silent ignoring the question.

"He's probably late as usual," Callen says.

Hetty then walks up to their desks.

"Actually Mr. Deeks won't be joining us."

"Why where is he?" Sam asks confused.

"This morning before I arrived Mr. Deeks resigned from his liaison position."

Tears slip down Kensi's face and she heads outside not wanting Callen and Sam to see her cry.

"What did Deeks do to Kensi? And why did he go back LAPD?" Sam asks getting angry.

"The question Mr. Hanna is 'what did you do to Mr. Deeks?' That question goes for all of you and Mr. Deeks didn't go back to LAPD, he resigned from LAPD as well. His current location is privileged information that concerns only me," Hetty says pointedly.

"I suggest you all reflect on the way you treated Mr. Deeks and you might find the answer as to why he left."

Callen makes his way to Hetty's office a while later.

"What can I do for you Mr. Callen?"

"Where is Deeks? I want to talk to him. We need him on the team or it will fall apart."

"I already told you that it's need to know information and right now you don't need to know. Also don't bother trying to track him he has disappeared for all intents and purposes. Have you figured out why he left?"

"We were a little hard on him I guess."

"I think it's time for a little education day. Get Sam and Kensi and head up to OPS."

"Eric bring up Deeks file."

Sam, Callen and Kensi gasp in shock at the images that appear on screen. There is a frail and beaten 11-year old Deeks. Kensi pukes in the nearest garbage when she sees how badly beaten he is.

"What you're seeing is Mr. Deeks child. Then he was placed in foster care after he shot his father. He stayed in 28 different homes but unlike you Mr. Callen he didn't have the fortune of staying in one good home. After that he went through to be a lawyer with full ride scholarships to Stanford. He became a public defender to help kids and people who needed help and couldn't afford it. He was one of the best public defenders in California. He felt he wasn't making a big enough difference and couldn't handle all the in justice in the legal system. So he became a cop. Eric bring up his police records as you can see his undercover work is unmatched by any of you. He may not be an agent but he has more talent than any of you. You all treat him as your underling but if anyone should have their nose in the air it's him. Mr. Deeks is not that kind of person though. Even after all the pain and suffering that people and life has put him through he continues to care about people, even those who would like him dead. He puts a smile on and enjoys life as best he can even though his life has been far from enjoyable. He is an eternal optimist, loyal, honest and humble. His moral compass is unshakable and he continues to give everything he has even when almost everything he has been taken from him. He is mentally stronger than all of you and has an invaluable set of skills. He should be awarded a medal for his life efforts. So next time you think your better than him think again. If anything he is better than you. Mr. Martindale was the only true friend he ever had. He thought he would find a home here and a make shift family as you all had but you all showed him that he wasn't welcome. This is only part of the reason he left. Ms. Blye knows the full reason and if she's willing to share then she'll tell you."

"Why didn't you tell us sooner Hetty?" Callen asks.

"Because it's not my job Mr. Callen. As team leader it's you responsibility to know your team dynamics."

With that Hetty vanishes out the doors of OPS.

"Wow I feel like an ass," Callen says.

"Me too G. I was especially hard on him."

"What's the full story Kens?" Callen asks.

"I… I destroyed our friendship. I pushed him away like I do everyone else. When we all forgot his birthday that hurt him and then I blew him off for dinner with Jaime."

"You didn't!"

"I did. I did because I'm a coward and it was for personal reasons but it's no excuse. I was supposed to be his best friend. He was the only true friend I ever had, not that you guys aren't my friends but you know what I mean. I was supposed to be there for him like he always is for me and instead I was a total insensitive bitch. Me forgetting his birthday was just the last straw."

"I just destroyed the best thing I had in my life and now I probably won't ever get him back," Kensi sobs.

Sam wraps Kensi in his arms to calm her down.

"Hetty what am I going to do I need to fix this."

"Well dear you need to do what you think will fix this, when you know what to do, I think you'll know where to find him. Maika'I pomaika'I Ms. Blye."

Kensi grins

_Hawaii. I should have known._

"Mahalo," Kensi says.

She catches the first flight to Hawaii the next day.

She see watches him surf, carving across the waves. Kensi smiles to herself seeing him surf is amazing. She doesn't know much about surfing but is pretty sure he could be a professional if he wanted. She sits and watches him for hours and finally as night falls on the island he calls it a day. She races to the hotel and makes her way to his hotel room, getting a key to let herself in. She waits patiently for him to return.

When he opens the door she latches onto him hugging him.

"I'm sorry Marty."

"It's okay Kens."

"I love you," Kensi finally tells him.

"Wait what?"

"I love you," she repeats.

His lips are instantly on hers locking in a fierce kiss.

"I love you too Princess,"

"I also got us tickets for Vegas and rented a cabin in Lake Tahoe for a week after we go to Vegas this weekend," Kensi says.

"I don't care where we go as long it's with you and now that I have you I'm never letting go."

"Me either."

They made love for the first time that night and after collapsing from exhaustion they curled up together and drifted off to sleep.

"That was so much better than I ever dreamed," Kensi says kissing him when they wake.

"So I was right you do dream about me in the shower."

She slaps his arm playfully blushing.

"I can't believe I'm about to say this…"

"Say what?" Deeks asks confused.

"I know this isn't how it supposed to happen but will you marry me?"

"Yes," he says grinning.

"I just want to have something that shows I'm yours. I probably won't be able to marry you for a while but we will as soon as I'm ready. I really want to marry you but it might take a while to work through my commitment issues. I was so afraid of us and taking this step that I let it destroy the best thing I have in my life which was what I was afraid of in the first place. So I had to do this to show you I was serious. I picked Jaime over you because it would have been like a date if I took you to dinner. I thought I had lost you for good and it hurt almost worse than when I lost my dad. I never want this to happen again."

"Kensi you don't have to do this. I mean it's a big step I don't want you to do something you're not ready for and I'm sorry for making you cry."

Kensi punches his arm.

"You idiot! Don't apologize for that you had every right to say what you did. You have nothing to be sorry for and I am sure I want to take this step."

"Also the rest of the team wants to talk to you when we get back. Anyways I think we should go surfing and enjoy the time we have off."

"I dunno I would be fine with staying in bed with you for the next week and a half."

"There'll be loads of time for that but you came here to surf so let's go surfing. I also love watching you surf."

"Love you," he says punctuating it with a kiss.

"Love you too, Marty."

**I hope you enjoyed it. Also friendly reminder to REVIEW and don't worry I'm currently typing the next chapters to Pushing Me Away. They will be poster soon! Anyways I'm going to make dinner...**


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